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Singapore Moving Away

Singapore is ready to act on Malaysia's concerns over land
reclamation work by relocating the island, government sources leaked.
Sensing that it is not well-liked by its neighbours, the Singapore
government has in the past decade hatched a plan to move the entire
country to a location that is more welcoming, preferably with a large
hinterland and plenty of fresh water to spare.

The decision to move was acclerated by the recent salvo of
speculative claims made by the Malaysian media that Singapore's
reclamation work would cause Malaysia environmental and economic harm,
followed by an insistence from the Malaysian government that Singapore
halts its land reclamation programme.

This was despite Malaysia's inability so far to support the claims
nor articulate its specific concerns. With the barrage of rhetoric,
Malaysia also took the opportunity to renew a series of oft-repeated
threats to do all sort of nasty things to 'the little pimple that
would not go away'.

'We shall prove to them that we can go away,' said Mr. Goh Ah Wei, a
spokesman for the Prime Minister's Office.

"We have had enough of their complaints and threats. It is timwe
leave these forest-burning, pirate-harbouring, copycat-ing,
nick-picking, petty miserable pathetic losers to flounder on their
own. We need to move on to seek our own fortune. Our forefathers were
migrants and we can be too.Much better for us to be a small fish in a
large prosperous pond than to be a big fly in a small cesspool."

The leakage of this news yesterday set off panic buying of bottled
water and plastic pails. Many retail outlets and convenience stores
have run out of stock. The government issued a statement last night
advising the population 'to avoid excessive purchase of imported heavy
items including bottled water from overseas over the next two months'.
It is believe a formal announcement of the relocation will follow

Giant propellers installed at the Tuas and Changi naval bases will
provide the propulsion and directional control needed to steer
Singapore out of troubled waters. The main navigation and control room
has been incorporated into the design of the new jazz bar occupying
the spot on the top floor of the former Westin Stamford, where the
aptly named Compass Rose used to be.

None of the over 50 outlying islands will be left behind, as together
they make up some 10% of our total land area. Some are already
connected to the main island by causeways or bridges, the rest will be
attached with steel cables. Singapore will also keep its half of the
causeways and water pipes spanning the Straits of Johor to serve as
ready attachments to its new hinterland, as well as to hold in place a
giant bumper during transit in case of collision.

Insiders said there are now two differing opinions in the government.
The more senior ministers are advocating a permanent mooring
location, probably off China, while the younger ministers wanted
Singapore to be fully mobile, so it can move to areas of where
economic growth is strongest and where its expertise most needed, and
where it is not shot and humid.

"Introducing weather seasons will make Singapore a more attractive
place to live in," several newly elected MPs were reported to have
argued, "it will encourage overseas Singapore students to return
home." Ministers are in one accord though that Singapore reserves the
right to return to its current location and forbids any other nation
from intruding into the space while it is away.

When interviewed, a prominent Malaysian politician who requested only
to be identified by his last name, Madhathir, commented, "If this is
true, it is yet another selfish act by Singapore. Not only are they
kiasu and still want to chope the space they are vacating, but by
moving Singapore away, a lot of water will rush in to fill up the
hole and this will lower the water level around Pasir Gudang,
furthering sabo-ing our port!"